I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
