..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
