Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
