just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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