You just made me feel so damn special
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
And then my night got REAL pukey
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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