I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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