i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
