i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
