Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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