I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
