Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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