I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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