she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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