Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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