If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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