3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
