Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
