a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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