First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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