Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
