it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
