I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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