cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
