I need help removing her.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
