i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
