Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Randomize
