Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
