I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Are my feet made of real feet?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
