just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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