I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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