Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
