look no pants
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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