Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
