Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I need water and some morals
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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