New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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