At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
