Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
