I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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