White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
