dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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