it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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