youre lurking in front of me
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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