I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
