there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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