so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
there is glitter all over my balls
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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