How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
