The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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