The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Randomize
