I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
