theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Randomize
