My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
